The Marriage relationship is the most important relationship any of us will ever have. A failed marriage is traumatic and hurtful, so much so that in the Bible the word used to describe this separation is the word that describes the ripping apart of flesh. It is not a clean, sanitary separation, rather it is a ragged, bloody, ugly tearing apart of what is meant to be together. When we get married to our spouse, we become one; we are no longer two, but one, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That is why the split is so painful.
I want to preface my next comments by saying that I realize that in cases, where physical abuse is present, there is often no option, and I would suggest a physical separation as you determine your next steps. God can work miracles if we are willing to let him. If this is where you are, get to a safe place and seek professional help from authorities, an attorney, and a professional biblically based counselor.
If you are hear because you are in a relationship that is headed toward divorce, but there is not physical abuse, I urge you to stop right now and do everything you can, everything in your power, everything possible to avoid that outcome. I know marriage can be a challenge, and at times push both husband and wife to say and do things that they regret. But, please do not allow your feelings to lead you to make a decision that you will regret, and that will have lasting effects on you, your children if of you have them, and every relative and friend you know. The collateral damage will be significant and severe.
Trust me when I say that there is hope. In most cases, a marriage relationship that has deteriorated to the point where divorce is being discussed, can be saved by improving communication and both husband and wife gaining a better understanding of the needs of the other.
I am going to ask you to do something that may be very difficult.
Forget about how you feel toward your spouse right now, and ask yourself “do I still love insert your spouses name?” Not do you feel like loving them, but do you love them. Love is not a feeling! Love is a decision! In any relationship, our feelings will change, based on what the other person says or does. And, we are often disappointed by the other person, but that does not mean that our love for them stops. We may say, I really don’t like you right now because of what you did or said, but we do not stop loving them. This does not mean that we do nothing either. We must talk about how we fell and why, and our spouse needs to listen. This is precisely where the relationship begins to fracture. We don;t know how to communicate how we feel in an appropriate way and we are not very good listeners. If both husband and wife will recognize that they both need to work on these relationship skills, and will go together to learn about and work on these critical skills, there is tremendous hope for your marriage!
Please do not give up without a fight; a fight for your marriage, a fight for your family, a fight for your life.
Other couples that I have spoken to and that have traveled this tough but rewarding path, have highly recommended the following resource as the one that really changed their marriage. I suggest you tell your spouse you love them, that they and your marriage are the most important things in your life, and invite them to join you in rediscovering the love you have for one another. Purchase The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, (Audio CD) now and discover your spouse’s – and your own – love language.
To get a good flavor of this audio book, I have included a brief description/summary:
“Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their “love tank.” Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice. Although some readers may find choosing to love a spouse that they no longer even like –hoping the feelings of affection will follow later– a difficult concept to swallow, Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort. “Love is a choice,” says Chapman. “And either partner can start the process today.”
My hope and prayer for you and your spouse is that you will find hope for your marriage and will choose to love one another through this difficult time. Hang in there, don’t lose heart and please remember that, although your circumstances may seem hopeless now, “joy comes in the morning”!